Have you ever felt like you’re not quite good enough?
Like, just about anyone on this big old planet is better qualified or confident or whatever-it-may-be, than you?
Earlier this week I was feeling especially discouraged. I felt out of sorts and not like myself at all.
There were moments when the problem wasn’t even that I “wasn’t myself” …it was more like I didn’t even know who “myself” was; like something was missing.
And it was!
Somewhere along the way of difficult conversations and increasing busyness, comparison was compounding and my thoughts seemed to be set on every person, place and thing apart from the Lord.
But I was still praying…
I was even giving thanks and interceding for others! I was praying in tongues and crying out in moments of frustration.
Even though my mind knows better, I had not slowed down long enough to listen.
I had not slowed down long enough to hear my Father “rejoicing over me with gladness or quieting me with his love” (Zephaniah 3:17).
I am happy to say that eventually my spiritual muscle memory did kick in and I slowly, slowly paused for long enough to listen for the Spirit of God to speak.
When we quiet our thoughts down (and even our prayers!), offering out a simple “Here am I, Lord” instead, the Spirit of God does speak. And somehow we are ministered to in exactly the right way, exactly where we are!
For me this week, that looked like empowerment; becoming stronger and more confident.
After just a few moments in the presence of God, I realized I felt more empowered than I’d been all week! My thoughts and anxieties, busy schedule, imposter syndrome and simple doubts about myself had somehow worked together to create a cocktail of shame that I kept going back for. And the more I filled up on all that junk, the more I chose to set my mind on those things, rather than on the things above, the more discouraged and hopeless I became.
The thing that boggles my mind the most is that God didn’t scold me about how long it took me to quiet my mind and my heart. He didn’t tell me to stop being discouraged or list off all the lies I’d foolishly believed, because “love keeps no record of wrongs”.
Instead, he told me to trust my gut! He reminded me of the times when I have heard his voice and heeded his direction. He began to encourage and uplift me, reminding me of what I am capable of!
“You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things. Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. So when you, a mere human being, pass judgment on them and yet do the same things, do you think you will escape God’s judgment? Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” (Romans 2:1-4)
Through the Holy Spirit empowering me, in the most basic and seemingly ordinary way possible, I could see how much I had been tearing myself down. In the light of God’s loving kindness, I truly was led to repentance!
I had been casting judgement on myself, and receiving/believing the judgement of others. Rather than running desperately to the Lord for more kindness, I showed contempt for it by choosing to return to that cocktail of shame.
No wonder I had been feeling so discombobulated!
And isn’t that Good News? That when I finally calmed things down and spent some time with the Lord, through his kindness I was led to a place of turning away from that junk, seeing a better way set before me, and returning back to that place of wholeness and identity in Christ.
Lord, would you lead us all to repentance today?
May we be so unsatisfied with the things we’ve filled our hearts and minds with that there simply is no other alternative to you!
Holy Spirit, thank you for always, always, always inviting us back into your presence.
Thank you so much for your kindness and gentleness and patience God!
And for choosing to extend them to us over and over, no matter how slow we are to turn away from the cocktails of shame.
We love you and choose, even in this moment, to pause and wait for you to speak to our hearts.
Here we are Lord…
Amen.